I’d Like to Report a Robbery

I would like to report a robbery!

I am missing two gluteus maximus muscles. Realized this last night when trying to hold up a pair of yoga pants. They were last seen with certainty covered by white bloomers at a beer festival last September.

Possible suspect has been seen on digital imagery, but positive identification is impossible. Suspect may be bald, naked, and about seven pounds.

For a safe return, I am willing to pay a ransom in the form of squats, lunges, and stair-climbs, but I fear they have gone the way of my waistline, which first disappeared in a similar heist in 2003 and has yet to be returned.


Yesterday, I had that awkward moment when you drop your beverage in your lap, and instinctively yell, “SHIT! MY WATER!” causing your husband and daughter to come RUNNING from the far corners of the house…

Um. Yeah. No … it was just my giant cup of ice water. But since they were standing there, I sweetly asked if they would bring me another one.