Peaceful Sleeping

(whispers) “Between you and me, Mom, I’m pretty sure it was not my hungry whimpers that woke you up at 3 a.m., but Dad’s chainsaw snores as he shreds through a forest of dreams. You really think I can compete with that?”

All the experts say one shouldn’t coo, play, make eye contact, or engage during overnight feedings, because doing so teaches the baby to expect such activity at all hours. Clearly, I still have to work on that… Continue reading

It’s All About Timing

While taking out the trash today, I realized that George Clooney made our pizza dinner.

It was so strange … I was like, “Why is this pizza box giving me such feelings?” When your trash looks like a Hollywood movie star, it’s not so much a chore!

I googled “George Clooney pizza box” and discovered this has been a thing for YEARS. Amazing. You learn something new every day. We will now be ordering frequently from George Clooney Pizza. If we ever travel to Cannes or down to his house in Italy again, I will get a clean box with the hopes for a signature.

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He’s Got Jokes.

My son declared he’s not going to tell any jokes anymore. “They’re mean,” he explained, “and I can get in trouble at school.”

Me: “Not all jokes are mean! I can teach you some. Let’s try it. Knock, knock.” Continue reading

Nice Bow

My coworker lost a bet, and is now wearing a giant red-and-white polka dot Minnie Mouse bow here at the office. Because we are located in the attic of a building with no elevators, we RARELY get visitors. We can go FOR WEEKS without anyone coming up to see us.

But guess who just got an official visitor?? Continue reading

Clown Pants

My sister sent me these pants, insisting they were made from real gossamer fairy wings. I am tempted to wear them in public for the sole purpose of having an airline or sanctimonious mom blogger chastise me for my indecency, but that would require too much energy. Continue reading